Most of my days are spent with me fumbling/stumbling my way thru them, hopefully managing to get a few of the important to do's done, but more often just - well, just being.
It's not like I lead an incredibly stressful life. On the contrary. I'm a stay-at-home housewife, mother to only two dogs now (compared to the five dogs/four cats/3 horses/1 rabbit/3 cockatiels, 1 parakeet, 1 crippled grackle of days of yore). One or both of the boys come over quite often, sometimes just to visit and others to let Melody have some time to get her stuff done.
I'm not a Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray, preparing the perfect meal or crafting and decorating. I hardly shop at all any more except for the basics. I don't do any volunteer work because-well, just because. (Though I am thinking about volunteering at the animal shelter, even though I think ours sucks.) I obsess about my neighbor's pets that are suffering from neglect, but that only takes up a small part of my day. I don't have any friends (I know, poor me), so I'm not out running around doing whatever friends do together. I rarely read because I fall asleep and can't concentrate anyway.
And yet, despite this lack of stress and outside activities, most of my days are, as I said, spent with me fumbling/stumbling my way thru them, more often than not in a fog of confusion and disorganization. It's not depression, in case that's what you're thinking. I'm almost always content and at peace and in touch with reality, and not given to sulking or feeling sorry for myself, and have done the depression thing and medication in the past anyway and it was determined that that wasn't the problem. Some of it is caused by chronic neck and back pain, but who doesn't have some problem or other. And, admittedly, I take some medications that cause those very symptoms. But still.
And then there comes a day like today. A DAY OF CLARITY! I woke up in the same old way, took the same medications, had the same old breakfast, nothing different. And yet, much to my surprise, I was revved up! I made a to-do list. I sat at my desk and did desk stuff that I had been putting off for months. I picked up the house, played with the dogs, ran errands, worked in the yard. And cooked a roast for dinner - with from scratch gravy!
So what happened? What was different on this day compared to the 30 before it? Well, the sun was shining, but that happened on some of the other 30 days as well. I didn't eat anything different. (Well, I did have a root beer frosty float from Wendy's, but I felt good before that.) I paid the bills, including a house and truck payment, and still had money left in the bank, so that's always a good thing, but I felt good before even that. I don't even know how to explain this clarity. It was like I had hyper-vision, hyper-hearing, and hyper-energy. And here it is 10:30pm, and my brain is still in high gear. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. It's wonderful! I just wish it would last, and last, and last.
I didn't have any clarity today about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, but I did have a day that gave me the clarity of thought and emotion to know that I'm ok, that my life is ok, that I'm incredibly blessed in so many ways, and I had energy to do some of those things in one day that it usually takes me a whole week to do. I'll take that, and hope for more days of clarity in the not too distant future.
Yes, this was a good day.
6 years ago